My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
