Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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