So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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