i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
