If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
