Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
