Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
