i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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