Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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