I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
