tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
