Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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