I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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