$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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