I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
