Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
