My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
