Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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