you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
