I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
