she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
