drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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