I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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