White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
