he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I have post one night stand depression
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