dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
