The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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