my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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