The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I think I died a long time ago.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
