Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
