Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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