and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
