I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
