we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
