i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
