I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
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Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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