don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
