Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
