Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
