as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
