i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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