Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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