i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
