she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
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that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
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I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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