I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
