I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
