I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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