Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
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