If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
