hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
