If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We left the knife in your bed.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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