Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
