how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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