Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
