Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
