Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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